Anxiety over taking?

Ughhhh I thought I was done feeling like this. The pain, the sad reality that was my life. Just when you start to think you had left it all in the past. That one feeling you cant seem to shake comes right back like it never even left. It resurfaces always when your the happiest you have been in years, you have an amazing new family, new adventures to accomplish, those milestones you and your partner look forward to before they even happen and there the ones y’all will reminisce on for years to come.

That feeling you had longed to go away for years or the slight/almost impossible way of pushing them in the deepest parts of your soul. They just all come crashing back to you like a 1000 tidal waves of misery, pain, and sorrow. The knife cuts, the late night tears, the burning hot showers just to try to take the pain away from somewhere else, the feeling you have of disgust when you can’t just wash it all away, the late night “why me’s” that become the “you deserve it’s”, along with “its your fault”, and the most painful one of them all the mind games. After someone does what they do to you, you cant help but to question life, the purpose, the main reason, the soul purpose or big change you have or now need to make in the world, and finally your grand destiny.

Your life just doesn’t seem all that happy like the rainbows and unicorns you dreamed of as a little girl/princesses/fairytales. They become the demons and devils of the world. They sadly are your reality now weather you want them to or not. I stopped looking over my shoulder, I stopped jumping at every weird or different sound, I stopped being scared of being home alone, I stopped looking in my rear view mirror, I stopped questioning my self worth on the daily. I was finally letting someone in, I was able to shy that slight relief. Then BAMMM

That strong, unforgettable banging on the door, over and over and over again, the knocking on the window glass, that banging you tried so hard to forgot, that sound you have on repeat in your nightmares, meanwhile your heart drops into your stomach, which is twisting into knocks you wont be able to shake for hours, you hurry and lock any doors that weren’t already, you hide under the covers, behind the door, or even the wall. Hoping and praying he doesn’t find another way in, hoping the kids don’t wake to that same noise you cringe at, hoping and praying that if this comes to yet another altercations, like all the ones in the past that started with that banging, and ended in a fist fight, knife cut, or forced intercourse which was his way of “making up”. Trying not to think back to when you could always count on that same hole in the wall to stare at, the same picture to visually climb into, or the pillow to cry into. That short lived relief just flies out the window, with that one loud strong bang!

Now your back to catching the window locks, locking and relocking doors multiple times, scared to go anywhere alone in the dark, looking in that mirror multiple times thats you haven’t gave a thought to in months, jumping at every little noise, the feeling of straight pain in your gut every time you hear a mans voice, and now your even scared to be home alone.

Some people say time heels all wounds, but in this case, I don’t think I’ll ever have enough time on this earth to ever be healed from the three years of pain I have tried so very hard to cover up on social media, in photos, and even to some friends and family that couldn’t see through that emptiness in your eyes. People see what they wanna see and hear.

Until next time….